...with all there is...why settle for just a piece of sky?

Yeah, yeah...this is from a Barbra Streisand movie. I totally admit it. I am a sucker for old musicals. Love them in fact. And Yentl is one of my absolute faves. Love Funny Girl too. And Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. And pretty much anything with Judy Garland. You might think I'm cheesy. And so what if I am?

In any event, back to business, because let's face it. Time is a hot commodity right now. The boys came home from the NICU about 48 hours ago, maybe a little bit more, and life has been a blissful chaos ever since. Here are a few things I have discovered:

1. I will always be doing laundry. Always.
2. I will usually be covered in puke. Thus far, the following items have been sacrificed to projectile launches of formula: two tank tops, one bra, a pair of sweatpants, one robe, oh and one Boppy pillow. I won't even begin to list the clothes the boys have gone through. Needless to say, I have changed the sheets on both cribs, twice already, and they don't even sleep in their cribs.
3. Sleeping gowns suck. Yeah, I said it. No one wants to deal with a stretchy bottom band and a yard of fabric in the middle of the night when your child is screaming and hungry. Those will be living in the closet for...the rest of forever probably.
4. Swaddlers are awesome. Not the fancy "I'm a swaddler blanket" kind. The real deal, long happy swaddling blankets. Thank God my cousin sent me two, or I would not have known their amazingness.
5. I might not continue breastfeeding. And while I consider the reality of this, I am coming to terms with two things: my perception of myself as a failure and other's inevitable commentary, which I will work hard to disregard. Because I have to do what works for me. Because happy mom, happy babies. And let's face it, I am already stressed and there are only so many hours in the day. I'm doing what I can.
6. I promised myself I wouldn't jump every time somebody cried or whined and I would "let them settle." Yeah right. I broke that promise in hour one. Ah well. They are too little to really figure out a routine or self-soothing yet anyways. Right? (I keep repeating this to myself at least.)

My point in quoting Yentl was this, go big or go home. And while I am taking it a bit out of context, this song, particularly, these lyrics, always serve as a reminder to me that you have to believe that God can go big. He can move the molehill, sure. But, even better, He can move the mountain. And it's ok to ask for Him to move the mountain. As long as you bring your shovel too.

The most important thing I have learned in the past few days of full house, full family? That believing God could go big and asking for the whole sky has changed our lives in the best possible way ever. Every day, for the rest of my life, I will be grateful that God isn't happy with us having just a piece of sky. He wants us to have the whole thing too. We just have to believe. Jeremiah 29:11.

PS. That pic is from the boys' very first doctor's appt. They rocked it! :)

A Whole New World

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. And while we didn't quite have the opportunity to celebrate the way we would have liked, I think I can safely say that he had a great day. My husband is in love with our sons. And I have to say, he has never been more attractive, and I have never loved him more than watching him hold, feed, kiss, and love on our boys. I remember that it was how he was with Emily that really made me fall in love with him in the first place, and if it's even possible, now with Ben & Jake here, I love him even more.

On Monday, June 27, 2011, we welcomed Jacob Charles (Jake) at 8:34AM at 4lbs. 15oz., and Benjamin Robert (Ben) at 8:35AM at 5lbs. 10oz.

Say hello Jake!



Say hello Ben!



Ben and Jake are currently in the NICU getting some much needed love and attention. Both are breathing well on their own and making progress towards home, but definitely need your prayers for continued strengthening and growth, especially with feeding. Their little tummies are having a hard time grasping the concept and each feeding time is a lot of work and then we pray that their bodies digest everything accordingly. Jake was slow to transition so is a bit behind Ben and may come home a bit later on, and Ben is making enough progress that he may be home soon, but only time will tell.

To say my being discharged and being at home when they are not is a challenge does not even begin to put it into words. While I am happy they are being so carefully tended to and know I am already overwhelmed at the thought of having such tiny beings under my care, I am broken-hearted to have them so seemingly far away. My usual tough exterior struggles to not cry pretty much all day long. Even now, as I type this, I find the tears spilling over.

I did get to do what is called Kangaroo Care yesterday, which was by far my most favorite moment and something I will remember always. They laid me back in a recliner and then stripped Jake down to his diaper and tucked him inside my shirt so that we could be skin to skin. He just slept with his warm body against my chest, his little hand over my heart. At that moment I realized we were in a whole new world and nothing would ever be the same, in the very best way.

Here are a couple of shots of Jake and Ben now (almost one week old!). Please keep them near and dear in your thoughts and prayers, with hopes they will be home very, very soon!

Jake



Ben



These were all taken with my Nikon CoolPix, so the quality is a bit dicey at best. I am hoping once I get a grip on being more comfortable myself, that I can lug the Mama Blevo into the NICU for some real, deal shots!

The Home Stretch

Almost there! The big welcome for Benjamin Robert (Ben) and Jacob Charles (Jake) will be on Monday, June 27th at 7:30AM EST. Jeff will be spending the night at the hospital with me so that we are both ready and waiting first thing that morning. After all the waiting and resting, it's finally here! Soon, this big blob of a belly will become two tiny little real people! And as soon as I am in recovery and have spent some time with all of my boys, Emily will be coming to meet her new brothers and be the best big sister ever.

As always, we appreciate your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery of the boys and surgery for me, and then a quick recovery and short NICU stay for the boys as they learn to breathe on their own and eat like champs. More pictures to come! Much love to all!

I can see the stars ablaze...

"I may be a dreamer, yeah, but I believe in faith
Only in the darkness can you see the stars ablaze"
(Trevor Hall, Many Roads)

From the moment when my oncologist said "These are miracle babies," I knew the next year of our lives and beyond were going to be something special. And when my OB said "Katy! Do you do anything normally? This is amazing!" I laughed and cracked a joke, saying, "Nope. I guess not. I'm multi-tasking and making up for lost time." What I should have said is, "My God is a mighty God and He is at work."

Since finding out we were expecting twins, this pregnancy took on a life of its own, far beyond anything I ever imagined. Beyond the incredible blessing and fulfillment I felt in claiming Jeremiah 29:11 after my miscarriage (I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. -The Message), this pregnancy seemed to reach out to so many people beyond our tiny nuclear family, giving hope, reassurance and restoration that God is faithful and His timing is perfect. The prayers, expectation, support and intimate connection so many people have felt to these two tiny lives have been overwhelming for me, as it felt like God was using me as a vessel to heal wounds and restore hope to many and that His work was just getting started.

As I sit in the hospital, with the impending early arrival of our boys, with a host of obstacles to overcome in hopes of holding off delivery until my 34th week so that their lungs, brains and eyes have some extra time to develop, I have this incredible sense that something important is coming. Everyone who has checked the boys out, heard their heartbeats, seen their ultrasounds, has laughed and marveled, "They are huge! They look great! I've never seen such big, strong babies! They are beautiful and just perfect! They don't show any signs of distress and are happy to be inside you." And yesterday, when I got to see them practice their breathing on the ultrasound for the first time and saw their tiny diaphragms inflate and bellies rise, I was moved to see that they seem to know they are coming soon and are already practicing and getting ready, and with the miracle of creation and life, God is encouraging them to learn how to breathe just when it is most needed.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Psalm 139: 13-16, The Message

I truly believe that God is working a mighty work right now, and that He means to finish what He has started with triumph and glory in believing that He is able in all circumstances and the best is yet to come. So I sit, resting in this hospital bed, marveling at the stars ablaze, and I wait. And watch. Knowing that this promise holds true:

And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age.
Matthew 28:20 International Standard Version

Week 4 Complete: Hello, chipmunk.

I will be 31 weeks tomorrow. And holy cow, I've entered the chipmunk phase. I kept telling myself, well at least your face still looks pretty slender. Your weight is astronomical, but it seems to be all baby. And then I saw this picture. And said, "Hello, chipmunk." I admit it, I had a moment. One of those, I can't believe I'm on bed rest, living life like an ever-growing couch potato, when will this end moments. It's been a rough week. It seems I have reached the point of total and utter discomfort in pretty much any position. There are few moments of relief. My doctor tells me to keep reminding myself that I am presently at the same point as a full-term, 40 week singleton pregnancy would be, as if that somehow makes the discomfort more bearable.

Anywho, enough whining. At the end of the day, if my cheeks are plump, the babies' cheeks are plump, and that makes me smile. And if the activity in my belly is any indication, they are blissfully happy and presently training to be Olympic super athletes.

I don't have too much to report this week, other than admitting I am absolutely addicted to Lost and spend most of my time working my way through the 120 available episodes on Netflix (Praise God for Netflix!). I am presently on episode 43. Yes, that's right, 43 hours of TV. And another 80 or so to go. Other things I love right now: Pandora. My giant Boppy body pillow. My Blackberry Klondike game.

Two prayer requests:

1. If you happen to think of it, pray for me between the hours of 8PM-10PM. These are my "bewitching" hours. It's usually when I'm mentally tired and wishing I could just fall asleep to pass the hours. And usually about the same time my body throws an absolute tantrum at being sedentary all day and becomes so restless that any position makes me antsy and sleep evades me. I dread these hours every day. Once I finally fall asleep, I'm good. But the road there is rough and it's one of my more depressing and frustrating times.

2. Our little Ivy (see previously posted amazingly cute bulldog pup pics) is pretty sick. She, being a high maintenance breed, seems to be our special needs dog (as if I thought anyone could top Tucker's neediness and seizures!) and has terrible seasonal allergies. She is itchy, pretty uncomfortable, and truth be told, looks kind of like a mangy mutt right now because she has lost patches of fur all over. She is on some pretty heavy antibiotics, a special diet of wheat-free food, and a host of other attempts to get her past this and more comfortable going into the summer. She is the sweetest pup ever and has the cutest little face and it breaks my heart to see her wriggle in discomfort. So, pray that these antibiotics finally do the trick and she is back to her regular insane puppy self in no time.

PS. My lovely sidekick in this picture is my bestie, Becky. For those that know me personally, you know Becky. For those that don't, I can only tell you I hope you have at least one Becky in your life!

Week 2 Survival: The Kindness of Friends

So today marks the end of Week 2: Babywatch 2011. Bed rest continues to be a mental, physical and spiritual challenge. To say I am bored doesn't even begin to cover it. To say my whole body aches from being so sedentary doesn't even begin to cover it. BUT. At the end of each day, I am eternally grateful for each second that passes by allowing the boys to grow and flourish and have the time they need to fully develop into the healthy, perfect miracles we know they are.

This week has been a huge reminder of just how important it is to have good friends. I am blessed to say that I have a lot of good friends. Great friends. Life wasn't always that way for me, and I've long battled my independence and love of solitude to make time for other people in my life. It amazes me how much love and kindness people are willing to give when they see someone in need. We have had meals brought, offers to clean the house, books brought, people stopping by just to keep me company, even my hairdresser (who has become a dear friend) has offered to come to my house to trim my hair since I can't make it to the salon. Not to mention, we have a nursery, ready and waiting, that is bursting with clothes, toys and helpful items, many of which were given to us by people we barely even know out of the goodness of their hearts.

The picture above is a beautiful woman, inside and out. She was supposed to be my last bride for the season before I planned to head into down time to await the boys arrival. Needless to say, that down time arrived sooner than anticipated and I found myself having to find back up and admit I just wasn't up for the task. This was a huge disappointment for me, and I'll be honest, I know it was a huge disappointment for her (not tooting my own horn, just acknowledging that yes, I added to her stress rather than relieving it). Yet, she didn't voice one ounce of complaint, fear or even a second of frustration at the situation. She instead, being a true woman of Christ, encouraged me through prayers and Scripture, told me she knew God was in control and she had full faith that everything would work out. And she even offered to stop by to keep me company.

Yesterday, she married the love of her life. And in the busyness of her day, I got this picture sent to my phone. And it touched me. The most important day of her life, when a million things were going all around her and it was a day that could truly be declared HER DAY when she is utterly allowed to be selfish and suck in every little moment for herself and her husband. And she took a minute to say hello. It meant a lot. As I was home praying for her day, beautiful weather, perfect pictures, everything we had talked about and imagined during her engagement and bridal sessions, coffee meetings and more, she took a moment to remember me. Thanks Laura! You were a stunning bride, and are a shining example of our Lord. I know the life ahead of you and Thomas will be blessed beyond measure and I am so happy to know you.

I must also take a moment to give props to one of my dearest friends, Miss Melody Gillikin. A fabulous character full of spunk, creative juices, and a heart for the Lord, Melody has been nothing short of a miracle to me. She is an incredibly talented photographer, and has most graciously and tirelessly worked to cover the gaps for me with my clients. I can honestly say that I was able to get through yesterday without one ounce of fear or worry because I knew Melody had everything under control (and I even let her borrow the Mama Blevo to use as a back up, and NOBODY takes the Mama Blevo from my camera bag except me. NOBODY.). Melody, I know the Lord blesses you in your willingness to help a friend and I know the hopes you have for your future in photography and I believe wholeheartedly that your spirit and faith are propelling you there faster than you think. I am forever indebted to you!

And to showcase Mel's amazing handiwork, here is a sneak peek! Shot and edited by Melody Gillikin Photography.

Comedic Interlude: Week 1 Survival

Given my obvious incapacity to provide new and interesting photos with this entry, I shall mesmerize you with a picture of the world's cutest dog, our Ivy. (I have to say I identify with this picture as I sit in bed, staring out from the walls of my "cage.") Now, add, oh say...40 pounds (seriously) to said cute frame and you can imagine Ivy in her present 7-month state. I think Jeff even has a picture somewhere that I will have to dig out. Ah ha! Found it! This was taken 8 weeks ago. Looking at it now, she looks insanely tiny in comparison to her present-day beastly form.




Needless to say, she's darn cute. And her fat butt can't make it up the stairs, so as I lay here most of the day, I worry she is forgetting I exist. Thankfully, Jeff carries her up to greet me now and again so she "doesn't forget her mama" and she snorts and wriggles and spews slime all over me for as long as Jeff can hold her (she, unlike every other dog on the planet, does not like to be handled...she is a true independent woman...I swear, it's like having a cat!).

Anyways, here are my thoughts for surviving week 1:

1. Day time TV sucks. I mean, seriously. There is obviously a good reason why most of the world is at work from 9-5. There is NOTHING to watch on TV. NOTHING. I will not admit to the shameless shows I have watched in the last week. Although I will say, sadly, although I thought the day would never come, I am sick of Law & Order.

2. Drinking enough water so that you have to pee, quite literally, every 10 minutes, gets old. FAST. Thank God my bathroom is a mere 10 feet from the bed. Otherwise, I'm not entirely sure how any sort of bed resting would be accomplished as I spend most of my time shuffling to and from the potty. To be honest, I kinda have to go right now, and am determined to finish this post first.

3. When on bed rest, it is imperative to forget the rest of the world (i.e. my house) exists outside of my cave. I made the mistake of venturing downstairs yesterday, only to run back up and wish I could block the horrific images of my home from my memory. Yeah, yeah, I am sure it is not that bad, you say. But to someone with OCD, relinquishing all control to two unruly dogs, my husband and a 10 year old...well...it's like bachelor heaven has come to reign. (I say that ONLY as related to cleanliness. Both Jeff and Emily have been absolute troopers thus far. Jeff works long hours all day and then comes home to cook dinner and try and keep up as best he can. Emily has become my personal nursemaid, filling water bottles, bringing snacks, and has also become the sole caretaker of the pups. They both rock. But...they're both dirty punks when it comes to cleanliness!)

Ok, said reference in #2 of this post has refused to be patient, so I will wrap it up for now. A huge thanks to all those generous friends who have signed up on the Meal Baby registry to bring us dinners, donated books, a fridge, cleaning help, company and countless other helpful offerings as we get by. And three cheers for one more week the boys got to take their time growing and developing as they should! Keep those prayers coming!!!!!!