I confess. I am not perfect.
OMG. *gasps* *babies crying* *mothers fainting*
I have to fight to be inspired. I rarely feel as if I'm being truly creative. And despite my cheerful disposition, I am inherently dark, cynical and sarcastic, and often would much prefer isolating myself in my own little world, never speaking to another person again and turning inside myself. And 99.9% of the time, I am absolutely insecure about my art and am terrified to share it, let alone admit I made it, and a lot of the time, as my own worst critic, I hate what I'm looking at and I shred myself. My good friends call me Dark Katy when I happen to let the cat out of the bag and let my smile fade for a bit. It's all in good fun, but in reality, they know me well enough to know that every day is a struggle for me as an artist and as a person. I work hard to stay joyful. And I work hard to be kind.
It just doesn't come naturally to me. I am sure this is a shock to some, because I do a VERY good job of always presenting myself as perfectly put together, unfathomably strong, untouchable even, always in control, and I know there are those who are frustrated by my seemingly good fortune and confidence. In truth, I've never been popular, I've often been teased and there are probably a lot of people laughing at this right now because they have no idea who the heck I am. (Although considering they don't know who I am, it's doubtful they are reading this, right?)
Let me be clear first and foremost that I am immeasurably blessed. I have the most beautiful family in the whole wide world, have a wonderful career, a stable home with friends and family that love and support me, and a powerful God who loves every aspect of me just as I am.
But I've definitely known some dark days. I have wounds that go very deep. And by choosing to be an artist, whether I'm playing the piano, developing a collage or picking up a camera, I've chosen to wear my heart on my sleeve, however scary. And lately, I've been feeling stagnant. Desperately stagnant. So I went and did something about it.
I don't believe myself to be the best, and I certainly don't believe others to be the worst. Because in reality, in my heart, there is no best. There is no worst. There is no accomplished. There is no beginner. There is only this. Art. And no matter what we think, how we perceive others, what they do or what is said, at the core we are all artists. And we have no place commenting on what is right or wrong, what life experiences have shaped others and who we think shouldn't be allowed on the playground. Yes, we all have opinions and reactions. To each his own. We are all inspired (or insulted) differently. But remember this...
Before you choose to attack, ask yourself:
What purpose is served with your words? What outcome are you seeking?
And be honest with yourself. Because if you are seeking to hurt or destroy, you have no place as an artist. But if you are truly seeking to correct or encourage, deliver your message with grace and dignity, and it will surely be well received. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. I'm not concerned with "the haters," because frankly, I don't care one bit what you think. I've never been popular, or even well-known, and it's not on my to do list. My only goal is to encourage others to be honest about the struggles we face as artists, to support each other in the dark moments when we've all felt stagnant and uninspired and to come together as a collective body of creatives. No one has done anything wrong. No past efforts, fortes and triumphs are being trampled or disrespected. But the day we forget that we can always be better and stop striving for that one step further, the day we all need to put down our mediums and walk away. And I'm just not there yet. I know I can be better. And I'm pushing myself to do so. And drawing from others who have gone the way before me. If this true heart of the matter was misinterpreted as aggressive, I truly apologize. See it for what it is. And put down your damn pitchfork and torch.
Wow. Powerful words. I know that writing that and making yourself vulnerable must not have been easy. Just like your grandmother was perceived as the "super woman", we tend to see you as the Katy who has it all together and doesn't need any help. Your grandmother never showed the kinks in her armor and I wish she had. She was human, after all and maybe we wouldn't have expected such perfection from her. I really get this post...especially the insecurities of being an artist and ever looking at what you create as being worthy. I know so many artists...some very famous and not one of them is comfortable enough to feel that they have done their best work. I am not sure where your post is coming from for you personally, but it resonates with every one on some level. Our common thread as artists, as women, as humans is to be understood and appreciated. We all wear masks..we not only need to put down the torches and pitchforks, but we need to unmask ourselves and be real. That is when our best work will be accomplished. Thanks for making me think. love you.
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