Tuesday, September 17, 2013

30 Things: Fears

Deuteronomy 31:6 CEB

"Be strong! Be fearless! Don't be afraid and don't be scared by your enemies, because the LORD your God is the one who marches with you. He won't let you down, and He won't abandon you."

And yet here I am.

If you're a parent, you have fears. A million of them. They make your heart race throughout the day, haunt your dreams at night and if you're not careful, they can overtake you. As someone who struggles with OCD, my need to control and mitigate danger for my children has to be carefully reigned in. Thankfully, my husband is very good at reminding me to breathe and that "Boys will be boys." And just as an aside...if you're a step-parent, the same problem persists. With a whole new set of fears. Can I get an Amen?!

If you're married, you have fears. If you're not married, you have fears. If you're breathing, you have fears. We are truly our own worst enemies. Here are my top three and why. (PS. Spiders didn't make the list, although they'd come in a close #4)

1. I am utterly terrified that I will be taken from the Earth while my children are still young and that I will not be able to see them grow up and that they will be without a mother. I'm pretty sure this ranks as Number 1 for most Moms. I feel this is exponentially magnified in my own heart because of the long road I traveled to bring these two little miracles into the world. And yes, I praise God every day and know in my heart He blessed me with the desires of my heart and to trust in His steadfastness and that His timing is perfect. And yet, I fear. And think that Heaven cannot possibly be more beautiful than this life here with them and that I will hate it there if I have to go too soon. And I am scared to think of my children growing up without me. How they might be scarred and forever affected by the loss of a parent. I want their childhood to be practically perfect in every way. The fear of a mother.

2. I am afraid that my father will relapse. He's been clean for over 10 years now. But after experiencing almost 20 years of what it feels like to have a parent gripped with drug and alcohol addiction (with relapses too numerous to count), I have what I consider a healthy fear of the possibility that it might happen again. I rejoice in his sobriety and cannot properly articulate here how proud I am of his growth, but I'm also aware that today is a good day, but tomorrow might not be the same. One day at a time.

3. I mentioned this in my first 30 Things post, but it deserves another mention. I have terrible stage fright. I panic. I can sing. I can play piano. I am blessed with a gift. But I'm too terrified to share. This one surprises most people. Having a very strong personality and what I'm sure many interpret as an overly confident demeanor, they struggle to understand this fear. Which can make for lots of awkward conversations when I get asked to perform in any way under any circumstance. "Oh it will be fine! You'll do great!" simply does not suffice here. I kick myself over this fear time and time again, but at the end of the day, my music is the place where I heal, and if this is the one thing I hold sacred and secret for myself, than I don't think I'm doing too badly. I think a person like me needs something special that is all its own and serves purely to bring you back to a place of peace. It's my self-therapy.

Having said that, I sing all day every day to the boys. My fear is trumped by my desire for them to feel free to sing whenever and wherever they choose, whenever the mood strikes them. They sing from the moment they awake until their tired bodies finally fall asleep to the little sounds of them humming in their beds.

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PS. Yup, these are iPhone Instagram pics. And just for fun, if you didn't know it, there is a company called Stickygram that turns your Instagram photos into magnets. I use them periodically because these magnets a huge hit with the boys. They have a deal going on until Monday, September 23 where you buy 3 sheets for the price of 2 by using the code SUMMERMEMORIES. Check it out!

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